


That's So Haymitch

by thedeadtributes



Category: Doctor Who (1963), Doctor Who (2005), Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Hunger Games Series - All Media Types, Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins, Victorious, iCarly
Genre: Crack, Eventual Pairings, Multi, Parody, Rare Pairings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-03
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-01-18 00:12:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,930
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1407784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedeadtributes/pseuds/thedeadtributes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Katniss is reaped into the 74th annual Hunger Games.  Luckily for her, Haymitch is a time travelling wizard that brings her and many of the other tributes to 2014 London, where they attend Hogwarts with the characters of Harry Potter, Victorious, and iCarly.  River Song is the headmaster and the Doctors and Snape are the teachers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [imdrowninginfootwear](https://archiveofourown.org/users/imdrowninginfootwear/gifts).



CHAPTER 1: Katniss

 

“Don't worry, I have a plan.” That's what Haymitch had said. Well _apparently_ this plan involved travelling back in time to 2014 England. Why then, why there was a mystery to me. But somehow we ended up in Diagon Alley. All 14 of us. Marvel, Glimmer, Cato, Clove, Finnick, Annie, Foxface, Johanna, Thresh, Rue, Peeta, me, Haymitch, and Effie Trinket.

“Where the hell are we?” Johanna asked.

“London 2014,” Haymitch said. “You're welcome.”

“2014? That's like... more than a hundred years ago!” Peeta said. He looked around nervously. Stupid fucking Peeta.

“Who cares where we are?” I said. “We're not in the Hunger Games. That's kinda the important part.”

“Now, we need to go shopping!” Effie Trinket said. She clapped her hands together, an enthusiastic smile on her face.

“Shopping?” Clove asked, a look of disgust on her face. I hated that bitch.

“Shopping for what?” Rue asked.

“School supplies,” Haymitch said, a weird smile on his face.

“School supplies?” I asked. “You never said anything about school.”

“Yes, but it's a school for witches and wizards,” Haymitch said, giving a thumbs up.

“...wut?” Foxface asked.

“You've got to be fucking kidding me,” Clove said.

“Wizards?” Annie asked.

“Yes, fucking wizards,” Haymitch said. “I'm a wizard. That's how we got here in the first place.”

“Makes sense to me,” Peeta said.

“Okay, let's go shopping,” Glimmer said. “Give me some money, old man.”

“First, I have to give you your book lists,” Haymitch said. Effie Trinket handed out the book lists. I read mine.

 

**Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry**

**YEAR 6**

**Uniform**

    * **Three Sets of Plain Work Robes (Black)**

    * **One Plain Pointed Hat (Black) for day wear**

    * **One Pair of Protective Gloves (dragon hide or similar)**

    * **One Winter Cloak (Black, silver fastenings)**

    * **Please note that all student's clothes should carry name-tags at all times.**




**Sixth year students will require:**

  * **_The Standard Book of Spells_ _(Grade 6)_ by Miranda Goshawk**

  * **_Advanced Potion-Making_ by Libatius Borage**

  * **_Confronting the Faceless_**

  * **_A Guide to Advanced Transfiguration_ by Emeric Switch**

  * **_Advanced Rune Translation_**




**Other Equipment:**

    * **1 Wand**

    * **1 Cauldron (pewter, standard size 2)**

    * **1 set of glass or crystal phials**

    * **1 telescope**

    * **1 set of brass scales**

    * **Students may also bring an Owl OR a Cat OR a Toad.**




 

“Yeah, this is totally normal,” I said. Oh, well. At least it looked like Haymitch wasn't going to let us starve at this weird wizard school.

 

* * *

 

The next thing I know, I have everything on my school list and also money. I've never had money in my entire life. Then Haymitch and Effie Trinket direct us to the train station. Effie Trinket handed us each a ticket.

“Platform 9 and 3/4?” I say, unimpressed.

“You have to run through the wall to get there,” Haymitch said.

“That's bullshit,” I said.

“No, really,” Effie Trinket said. “Try it.”

Peeta, the stupid gullible dewberry that he was, ran right into the wall. And disappeared.

“Shit,” Thresh said, examining the wall Peeta had just walked through. “That really works.” He ran into the wall with all his school supplies and he, too, was gone. People kept running into the wall, until only me, Clove, Cato, Haymitch and Effie Trinket were left.

“This is fucking retarded,” Clove said.

“I agree,” Cato said.

“Shut up,” Clove said.

“Manners!” Effie Trinket reminded them.

“You're too chicken to do it,” I goaded Clove.

“Fuck you, Everdeen,” Clove said, running headfirst into the wall. Cato soon followed.

“Katniss,” Effie Trinket said. “Go on, then. You're the last one.”

“Fine,” I said. I ran through the wall, and looked around. IT was still a stupid train station. “Wow, this is so exciting.”

“I know, right?” Peeta said, beaming.

“Sarcasm, Peeta.”

Effie Trinket and Haymitch appeared. “Alright, everyone get on the train!” she said. She was so... chipper.

I found an empty cabin of the train and sat there. Good. I wanted to be by myself. Except Peeta followed me. “Hey, Katniss!” he said. I groaned out loud.

“Will you please stop following me, Robbie?” A brunette girl asked as she walked into our cabin. I could relate to the pain of being stalked by a guy who just wouldn't take the hint.

“Nope,” Robbie said. He had curly hair and glasses. “I'm sitting with you.”

“Great,” I said at the same time the girl across from me.

“I'm Katniss,” I said, extending my hand to her.

“I'm Trina. And this annoying little squirt is Robbie.” She pinched his cheeks.

“Hi,” Robbie said, waving slightly.

“I'm Peeta,” Peeta said, unaware that no one cared.

“I haven't seen you before,” Robbie said. “And you don't look like a first year.”

“We're uh... transfers,” Peeta said.

“Transferring from where?” Trina asked.

“You know... around,” Peeta said, vaguely.

“Oh, my gosh,” Trina said, looking at me. “He's so mysterious!”

“Yeah,” I said. “That's Peeta. He's very mysterious.”

“So, the weather's really been something hasn't it?” Peeta asked.

“I thought you were supposed to be good at conversation,” I commented.

“Oh, yeah,” Robbie said. “Really great Quidditch weather.”

“What's Quidditch?” I asked.

“It's only the only wizarding sport,” Trina said.

“No, really,” Robbie said. “We don't have any other sports. It's all Quidditch, all the time.”

“How does it work?” Peeta asked.

“Basically there's a lot of balls and flying around on broomsticks,” Trina said.

“Sounds... interesting,” I said. We didn't have money for sports in District 12. Especially ones where you flew.

“Oh, it's great,” Robbie said. “You should try out. You look like you could be a beater.”

“Yeah, she beats me all the time,” Peeta said.

I slugged him a good one. “I'm going to go find somewhere else to sit,” I said. I wandered around looking for a cabin with an empty seat. I sat down across from a blonde boy who was sitting beside a boy with a lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead.

“Hey, sexy,” the blonde one said.

“Draco, I am _right_ here,” the one with the scar said.

“What did I say?” the blonde one, apparently Draco said.

“Hey,” I said. “I'm Katniss. And you two are... gay?”

“I'm not gay,” Draco said. “I'm pansexual.”

“What the hell does that mean?” I asked.

“It means he'll shag anything that moves,” Scar Boy said. “I'm Harry. Harry Potter. You've probably heard of me.”

“I really, really haven't,” I said.

“You see?” Draco said. “You aren't important as you think you are.”

“Clearly, I'm not very important to you at all,” Harry - _Harry Potter_ \- said.

“Jesus, I walked in on a fucking disaster here, didn't I?” I said.

“No, everything is perfectly fine,” Harry said. “It's fucking fantastic.”

“Calm your tits, Harry,” Blondie -Draco- said. He patted Harry's thigh.

“Fuck you!” Harry yelled running off.

“That your boyfriend?” I asked Draco.

“I'm not thinking so anymore,” Draco said. “So maybe you and I should get to know each other better, if you know what I mean.”

“I know what you mean and I don't want any part of it,” I said. I left the cabin, too. Maybe the third cabin would be the charm.

I found a cabin with a blonde girl, a brunette, and a boy who for some reason I felt like punching in the face just from looking at him. . “Hey, slut,” the blonde girl said.

“Excuse me?” I said.

“She calls everyone that,” the brunette said. “I'm Carly. This is Sam,” she motioned at the blonde girl. “And Freddie.”

“Hey,” Freddie said.

“Mind if I sit here?” I asked.

“Not at all,” Freddie said, smiling.

“So you new here?” Carly asked.

“Transfer,” I said. “From somewhere.”

“From Somewhere?” Sam asked. “That's funny.”

“Thank you,” I said. Just then the train pulled into the station. “Oh, well. Look at the time. I've gotta be going.”

“Bye!” Freddie said. Then I realized why I wanted to punch him in the face. He reminded me of Peeta.

“Bye.”


	2. Chapter 2

** Chapter 2: Clove **

They rounded the tributes up and sat us with the first years. Jesus Christ. I could be killing people instead of being in this stupid school. But no. Haymitch had to fucking take us to Ancient Europe.

Anyway, they sat us down and told us they were going to sort us into Houses. With a magical fucking hat. Because that's how stupid this place was. They did all the first years first before they got to us. Rue was first, because she was a second year. “Gryffindor,” the magical dirty hat said.

Next was Gemma Fox. Some people called her Foxface. “Ravenclaw.”

I was next. I actually sat in their stupid chair and waited for a hat to tell me what to do. It was on my head approximately half a second before it yelled, “Slytherin!” The Slytherins cheered loudly and I went and took a seat at their table.

“Peeta Mellark, Hufflepuff. Glimmer Goddard, Slytherin” I glared as she came and sat next to me. . “Katniss Everdeen, GRYFFINDOR. Cato Kittredge, SLYTHERIN.” I clapped a little. Cato was tolerable.

“Annie Cresta, Hufflepuff! Thresh Daniels, Gryffindor. Finnick Odair Gryffindor! Johanna Mason, Slytherin. Marvel Hudson, Slytherin.”

That was everybody.

Headmistress Song stood up before the crowd and said. “This year we hope that you will welcome all the newcomers and have the best year yet at Hogwarts. But I won't say too much about what's going to happen this year, because that my friends would be spoilers.” She sat down and everyone applauded.

“She's kind of hot,” Glimmer said.

“Eight out of ten,” I said. “Would bang.”

“She's nowhere near as hot as you,” Cato said. I take it back. Cato was intolerable.

Johanna pretended to barf at the same time some goth girl beside her pretended to barf. “Nice. I'm Johanna. And you are?”

“Jade. This is Beck,” she said, pointing to the boy beside her. “He's my bitch.”

“I am in fact her bitch,” Beck said.

A blonde boy came up and shook my hand, then Glimmer's, then Cato's then Johanna's. “I'm Draco Malfoy. Single and ready to mingle.”

“You aren't fucking single!” Some dude yelled from across the great hall.

“....he's fucking single,” Beck said. Draco gave him a fist bump. “I got your back, bro,” Beck said.

“You're disgusting,” Jade said.

“So, like how do we even do magic?” Marvel asked.

“He's kidding, right?” Jade said.

“You want to make magic?” Draco asked. “Get on your knees and blow me.” He held his hand up for a high five, which Beck promptly gave him.

“I think I'll pass,” Marvel said.

“Your loss,” Draco said, pretending to brush dirt off his shoulder.

“I'm bored,” I said. “Where's your target practice?”

“Our what?” Beck asked.

“You know,” I said. “Where you throw knives and shit.”

“We don't throw knives at Hogwarts, Psychopath,” Jade said.

“Then what do you do for fun?” I asked.

“We bang,” Draco said.

“I don't want to bang I want to stab somebody,” I said.

“Sounds like you've got a major case of penis envy,” Beck said.

“You're going to be the first person, I stab,” I decided out loud.

“I'd stab him, too. If you catch my drift,” Malfoy said.

“All of you are going to die if you keep talking about Beck like that,” Jade said.

“Aw, I love you, too, boo,” Beck said, kissing her.

Johanna pretended to barf again.

“But really. What do you do for fun here?” Glimmer asked.

“Sex, Quidditch, fucking with the teachers, more sex, sex with the teachers,” Draco said.

“Okay, so let's fuck with the teachers then,” I suggested. “What do we have to work with?”

“First of all, we've got Severus Snape,” Draco said. “Haven't banged him yet. But believe me, it's on my bucket list. Potions master, generally unpleasant. Never washes his hair.”

“Gross,” Glimmer said.

“Who else?” Johanna asked.

“There's 8.5,” Beck said, pointing at an older gent. “History of Magic.”

“Eight point five?” Cato asked. “Why do they call him that?”

“Nobody knows,” Draco said. “Lots of teachers have numbers. 10's the sexy one, he teaches Divination. More like 10 out of 10 in bed. 11's the cute one with the bow tie. Banged him, too. 9's pretty hot. Teaches Herbology. And 1... he's the one who is old enough to be your great-grandfather's great-grandfather. Now Haymitch is the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. He is a God, we don't fuck with him. And I don't know the new chick with the weird hair.”

“That's Effie something. So who's our target?” I asked, leaning closer to Draco..

“Our target is one Severus Snape,” Draco said. “We need to get him to bang me. It's going to be a massive group effort.”

“Alright,” Beck said. “What's the plan?”

“You actually want to bang Evelyn Snape?” Jade asked.

“Oh, yeah. I'm going to bang him hard,” Draco said. “Or get banged hard. I don't know how he likes it.”

“He looks like a sadist,” I said. “Better get prepared to get whipped and beaten.”

“Sounds like a Wednesday night,” Draco said. “Alright, so here's the plan. We send him a variety of notes and gifts from a 'secret admirer'. And then one by one we casually drop hints that I am said secret admirer until eventually he gets the gist of it and BANG. Intercourse.”

“That is the stupidest plan I've ever heard,” Jade said.

“I'm in,” Beck said.

“Alright,” I said, ruffling through my bag for a pen and paper. “What's the note going to say?”

“Severus, my dear Severus....” Draco began.

“Oh, dear God, please tell me he's kidding,” Johanna said.

Draco glared at her and cleared his throat. “My dear Severus, Your hair is black, just like your soul. Still 10 out of 10 and I'd bang you,though.”

“I am literally giving him this note, I hope you know,” I said as I finished writing it. “Love, Draco.”

“Love your secret admirer,” Draco corrected.

“Fine,” I said. “So what, we just leave this on his desk?”

“Yes, but we'll have to break into his office first,” Draco said. “Who's in?”

“Not me,” Glimmer said.

Marvel shook his head. “I”m out,” Cato said.

Beck raised his hand. “I'm in,” Jade said. “But only because you guys have rocks for brains and couldn't pull it off without me.”

“I'm in,” I said.

Draco high-fived all three of us. “Let's go.”

 

* * *

 

“So his office is in the basement in a dark hallway with a leaky ceiling,” I said.

“Yes,” Draco said, walking backwards down the hallway. “Classic Severus. He's like a sexy Edgar Allen Poe.”

“Right,” I said.

“More like a homely K.D. Lang,” Jade said. I had no idea who either Edgar Allen Poe or KD Lang were, but I figured I was supposed to if I belonged in this century, so I laughed.

“Luckily for you guys, I know how to pick locks,” Beck said.

“Where'd you learn that?” Jade asked suspiciously.

“My cousin taught me,” Beck said with a shrug. He looked at me. “I need a bobby pin.”

“A what?” I asked.

“You know like one of those little things to keep your hair in place,” Beck said.

“I have one,” Jade said, pulling one randomly out of her bra.

“What else are you keeping in there?” I asked.

“My tits,” Jade said.. “I wouldn't expect someone as flat as you to understand.”

“Bitch I will stab you in your face,” I said.

Beck leaned down and picked put the bobby pin or whatever into the lock and wiggled it around a bit. The door opened.

“You realize if he catches us, I''m telling him you're the secret admirer,” I said to Draco.

“And then BANG. Intercourse,” Draco said.

“Right.”

We walked into his office and looked inside. It was painfully dull and dreary. The walls were black and so was his desk. That was about all there was in there besides some books on potions. I set the note on his desk. “There,” I said. “Nothing to it.” I was slightly disappointed.

“No, we're not finished,” Draco said.

“No?” Beck questioned.

“No, we have to leave something more than a note. Something that says _I'm open for business_ ,” Draco said.

“Your underwear,” I said.

“Nice,” Beck said.

“You're all idiots,” Jade said, crossing her arms and glaring.

Draco didn't have to be told twice. He pulled down off his pants and underwear. He left his boxers on the top of the desk before throwing his pants back on. “Perfect,” Draco said. “Now we're done.”

“Seven,” I said.

“What?”

“Draco's seven inches,” I said. “In other words, 7 out of 10. Would not bang.”

“Fuck you... What the fuck's your name again?”

“I'm Clove.”

“Fuck you, Clove.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Snape tries to teach the Gryffindors and Slytherins how to make a new potion, with very little success.

Chapter 3: Tori

It was my first day back at school and there were tons of new students. Not just first years, either. Transfers. In Gryffindor the new students were Rue, Thresh, Katniss, and Finnick. After the feast we all ended up in the common room.

“Hi!” I said to the newbies. “I'm Tori. It's nice to meet you.”

“I'm Rue,” the younger girl said, smiling up at me. “It's nice to meet you, too.”

“We never had anything this nice back home,” Katniss said, seemingly to no one in particular.

“I never had something as nice as you back home,” Finnick replied.

“Excuse me?” I said, shocked.

“We might not be in the Hunger Games anymore, but that doesn't mean I won't shoot you,” Katniss told Finnick.

I could already tell they were going to be a handful. Thresh seemed quiet and he went up to his room right away.

“Shoot him. Final-fucking-ly. Someone who realizes that wizards can still shoot people,” Harry said.

“Shoot people?” Ron asked.

“You know. Like put a gun against your head and...” harry made a finger gun and pretended to shoot Ron. “Bang, you're dead.”

“Harry, really,” Hermione said disapprovingly. “And you all better get to bed or you're going to be awfully tired for class tomorrow.”

“Yes, mom,” I said, going upstairs to my room.

* * *

 

First class was potions, which the Gryffindors had with the Slytherins. Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Carly, Katniss, and Finnick were in the class, along with Jade, Draco, Beck, and a bunch more of the transfers.

Professor Snape always scared me, but as he stood at the front of the class glaring, he looked even angrier than usual. I was sitting at the front next to Carly, and we exchanged nervous glances.

“Alright class before we get started I have to discuss an important matter with you,” Professor Snape said. There was snickering from several of the Slytherin students. “I have received a very disturbing message on my desk this morning. Very disturbing indeed. It was was appeared to be a love note, accompanied by a certain article of clothing which I will not mention. I want you all to know if I ever find out it was one of you,” he looked sternly at Harry. “I will make sure you suffer for your sins. Have we reached an understanding?”

“Yes, Severus. I do think we have,” Harry said, glaring at him.

“That's Professor Snape to you. Ten points from Gryffindor.” I sighed. “Vega there is no sighing in Potions class. Five points from Gryffindor.” Malfoy snickered and slapped Beck a high five. “Now, let's start our lesson.”

“How come you don't take points from Slytherin for laughing?” I asked.

“Vega please do learn to keep your mouth shut for five minutes. Ten points from Gryffindor.”

“Shut the fuck up, Vega,” Finnick said.

“Ten more points from Gryffindor for swearing. Today we're going to make a potion that induces vomiting,” Professor Snape said.

“Just look at Tori,” Jade said. She was always so mean to me.

“That's got to be ten points from Slytherin,” Carly whispered to me.

“Quiet, Shay,” Professor Snape said. At least this time he didn't take more points away from us.

“But why are we making a potion that induces vomiting?” Carly asked.

“In case of accidental ingestion of your face,” Draco said.

“What does that even mean?” I asked.

“Draco is right,” Professor Snape said.

“I am?” Draco asked, surprised.

“Yes,” Professor Snape said. “The Death Eaters have found a new spell that makes you eat your own face When this happens you have to vomit up your face or else you'll catch the wizard plague.”

“That's a crock of shit,” Harry said.

“No,” Hermione said. “It's true. I read in Wizarding Plagues Monthly.”

“That's an actual thing?” Ron asked. “Why do you read this shit?”

“As I was saying,” Professor Snape continued. “There are five key ingredients in the Inducious Vomitous potion.”

“That's seriously what it's called?” A small Slytherin girl with black hair said.

“Ah, new blood,” Professor Snape said. “And what might your name be?”

“Clove Jenner.”

“Well, Miss Jenner. The potion is in fact called Inducious Vomitous. I'm glad you asked,” Snape said.

“What?” I asked, confused. “Why are you nice to her and mean to every Gryffindor?”

“There is a simple answer to that question,” Professor Snape said. “And it is because Gryffindors are nincompoops by nature.” Clove smiled triumphantly. “As I was saying. There are five ingredients in Inducious Vomitous. A cup of dog feces.” Carly made a face at me. “Three quarter cups of Lucky Charms.”

“Well that part doesn't seem so bad!” Peeta said.

“What are you doing here?” I asked. “You're a Hufflepuff.”

“I know. I'm here for Herbology,” Peeta said.

“This is fucking potions, jackass!” Katniss replied.

“...oh,” Peeta said, walking out of the class slowly.

“As I was saying!” Professor Snape said.

“What's that you were saying, Draco?” Beck said loudly. “Did you just say Severus was looking lovely today?”

“Why, yes,” Jade said. “I think that is what he said.”

Needless to say, we didn't get very much done in potions that day.

 


	4. Chapter 4: Sam Puckett

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The chapter in which we learn why the teachers are named after numbers, and also see Robbie Shapiro naked.

**Chapter 4: Sam Puckett**

First class was Herbology with 9 and the Hufflepuffs. Freddie was standing next to me grumbling as usual. “How did you even get into Ravenclaw?” he asked.

“I cheated the test,” I said.

“How did you cheat the test?” Freddie asked. “They literally just put a talking hat on your head that could read your mind.”

“I'm just really good at cheating,” I said, shrugging.

The other Ravenclaws stood around us. Andre and Luna were across from us. New girl Foxface stood beside me. On the other side of the greenhouse were the Hufflepuffs. Cat, Robbie, Trina, Cedric, and a new girl Annie.

“Sam!” Cat yelled across the classroom.

“Yeah?” I said.

“You look extra pretty today!” Cat said.

“I know,” I said, winking at her.

“How do you get girls to like you?” Freddie asked.

“It must just be my charming demeanour,” I said.

“I wish Cat thought I was pretty,” Freddie said, dejected.

“You are pretty,” I said.

“What?” he asked.

“Pretty annoying,” I said, laughing at my own joke.

“Alright today we're harvesting marijuana,” 9 said as he walked into the greenhouse. “Does anyone know what that is?”

“That's drugs!” Cat said loudly.

I didn't know why we were growing weed in school, but I wasn't one to complain so I kept my mouth shut.

“Right you are, Cat!” 9 said. “And do you know why we're growing drugs?”

“Because they're fun,” Cat said.

“Exactly,” 9 said. “Five points to Hufflepuff!”

“Seriously?” Freddie asked. “Five points for liking drugs?”

“Yes, Freddie. Five points for liking drugs. All the cool kids are doing it,” 9 said. “Maybe if you took it up it might up your street cred.” Robbie was listening intently. 9 was always telling us how to “up our street cred”. Robbie took his word as gospel.

“I don't need to up my street cred,” Trina said, flipping her hair back. She was even more annoying than Freddie.

“You know I'm actually the only one that likes you,” Robbie commented. “Even Tori your own sister doesn't like you.”

“Don't be ridiculous,” Trina said.

Twenty minutes later, Robbie, Cat, Nine, and I were sitting in Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, smoking that shit. Nine had told the class that they were free to leave, but he had a date with the girl's bathroom. So naturally, I had to come see what was going down. Naturally Cat followed me, and Robbie followed Nine, and well that's pretty much the gist of it.

"So this is going to make me cool?" Robbie asked, before taking a puff.

"It can hardly make you less cool, can it?" Nine said.

"I think you're cool, Robbie!" Cat said.

"Suck up," I said.

"Really?" Robbie asked.

"Yeah, you're almost as cool as Trina!" Cat said.

"...oh," Robbie said. "Well, that is genuinely disappointing."

Nine was sitting on the sink, and the rest of us were sitting on the floor. Which you know is pretty gross because it's a bathroom, but whatever.

"Okay, children what did we learn in class today?" Nine asked.

"That class is for losers!" Cat said.

"Exactly," Nine said. "Five points to Hufflepuff."

"Why do you always give her points?" I asked. "How do I get points? Would flashing you help?"

"Sam!" Cat said, surprised.

"It most certainly would," Nine said. "As long as you don't tell 8.5 or 1, we shouldn't have a problem."

"Alright," I said. I pulled up my t-shirt so that my titters were showing. I wasn't wearing a bra, in case of an emergency where I had to flash someone.

"...wow," Robbie said.

"Yay!" Cat said.

"Fantastic," Nine said.

I put my shirt down. "Where are my points, bitch?"

"20,000 points to Gryffindor," Nine said.

"I'm a fucking Ravenclaw!" I said, slapping him on the back of the head.

"Oh..." Nine said. "Well, then take 20,000 points back from Gryffindor, give 30,000 to Ravenclaw, and take away 1000 points from Slytherin because I hate those assholes."

"Yay!" Cat said.

"You know what?" Robbie said. "I'm actually feeling a lot cooler now."

"Prove it," Nine said. Cat clapped her hands together excitedly.

"How's he going to prove that he's cool?" I asked. "I vote we make it extra embarrassing."

"I've got it," Nine said. "Public nudity. If he's cool, the bitches will love it. If not, he's still a loser."

"Alright," Robbie said. "I'm game. But first I'm feeling a bit hot. Cat, can I have your water bottle?" Cat handed him the water bottle which he undid and poured over his head. He slowly undid his shirt. Wait... did he suddenly get attractive?

“Yay!” Cat said.

“Whatever,” Robbie said. He slowly removed the rest of his clothing.

I surveyed him up and down. “Yep, he's cool.”

“Not so fast. We have to test this theory publicly. Very publicly,” Nine said.

“I don't give a fuck,” Robbie said, leaning against a sink. “Do whatever, see if I care.”

“Okay,” Cat said. “I'll do a lot of things.”

I raised my eyebrow. “You can do... whatever you want to do with Robbie later. First we have to show him off to the world. Come on, Shapiro.” I guided him by the arm.

“Where are we going?” Cat asked as her and Nine followed behind.

“We're going somewhere I've never been before,” I said.

“We're going to buy underwear?” Cat asked.

“Fuck no,” I said. “We're going to the library.”

Robbie strutted out of Myrtle's bathroom and I followed behind. This was going to be good. Cat and Nine were smiling as they trailed behind us.

"Robbie!" Cat yelled suddenly.

"Yeah?" Robbie asked.

"You look extra pretty today," Cat said.

"I know," Robbie said with a wink.

"I thought you only said that to me," I said, mildly hurt. Cat was my bitch... wasn't she?

"You have boobs and Robbie doesn't," Cat said, in a vain effort to make me feel better.

As we walked through the hallways, girls were giggling at Robbie's nudity. But not like the making fun of him kind of giggling. Like the flirty schoolgirl kind of giggling. "Robbie you look so hot!" Lavender Brown said.

"Why thank you, young lady," Robbie said, nodding at her.

Soon we were at the library. "Okay, so here's the test. If the librarian thinks you're hot, then you're cool."

"But hot and cool are opposites!" Cat said.

"No," I said, patting her on the shoulder. "No, they aren't." She just stared at me confused.

"Alright, the new librarian is Effie Trinket," Nine said. "Nine out of ten, would bang."

"You mean that weird lady with the wig?" I asked.

"Yeah, that's her!" Cat said.

"You'd bang her?" I asked Nine. "Who wouldn't you bang?"

"I would not bang 8.5," Nine said.

"I would," Robbie said. Nine and I looked at him incredulously.

"Me too!" Cat said.

"Well aren't you just a little slut," I said, trying not to sound bitter.

"Once I had sex with three guys at once!" Cat said.

"Which guys?" Nine asked. "I just want to get a mental picture."

"Draco Malfoy, Beck Oliver, and Jade West!"

"Jade's a girl," I said.

"So logistically, how did it work?" Nine asked.

"We're going to see Effie!" I yelled.

"Manners!" Effie Trinket yelled. "You are in a library, young lady! And you, young man are... naked!"

"Yes, but is he attractive naked?" I asked. "Like, give us an number out of ten and if you would bang him or not."

"Well, I never!" Effie said. "That is no way to talk to a staff member!" She was blushing.

"Miss Trinket," Nine said, taking Effie's hand. "This is very important. Would you or would you not bang Mr. Shapiro here? It's for science."

"If it's for science..." Effie said, biting her lip reluctantly. "Ten out of ten, would bang."

"Dammit," Nine said. "I'm only a Nine."

"Is that where you got your name?" Robbie asked.

"Yes," Nine said. "The teachers are ranked from one to ten. And Eleven and Twelve exceeded expectations."

"Eleven, I get. But Twelve? How did he manage a Twelve?" I asked.

"I hear it's a tongue thing," Nine said.

  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back baby. Working on chapter 7? 6? One of those ones.


	5. Chapter 5: Harry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this special Defense Against the Arts class, Haymitch teaches all four houses the best way to avoid dark wizards.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From now on as long as I remember I will tally up the House Points at the end of each chapter. But since I haven't so far, this is what we're up to now:
> 
> Gryffindor: -30  
> Hufflepuff: 10  
> Ravenclaw: 30,000  
> Slytherin: -1000

**Chapter 5: Harry**

After Potions with Snape, all four houses had Defense Against the Dark Arts with Haymitch. Great. Fantastic. Another class with Draco Sleazebag Malfoy. Well, I was feeling in particularly bitchy mood so I decided to sit next to him and yell at him every time he hit on someone. Which was a lot of the time.

"Hello, Potter," Draco said.

"Malfoy," I said.

"How was your summer?" Malfoy asked.

"We literally spent the entire summer together, jackass," I said.

"Right, so it was amazing," Draco said.

"I hate you."

"And I love you," Draco said, patting my cheek.

"Then how come you sleep with literally everyone you come across?" I asked.

"Because I can't be caged. I'm a wild animal, Harry. You know that," Malfoy said.

"So are you two actually dating?" Clove, one of the new girls asked.

Beck shook his head.

"Yes, we are actually," Draco said. "It's going to be a spring wedding."

"...what?" Jade asked.

"Congratulations?" Beck said skeptically.

"He's not serious!" I yelled.

"Maybe I am," Malfoy said. "I have one more person to shag on my bucket list and then we're settling down."

"We're sixteen Draco!" I said. "And also you can't just decide that without consulting me!"

"I don't think he wants to marry you," Jade said.

"I didn't say that!"

"Great. Beck get planning the wedding, pronto," Draco said.

"Is he serious?" Beck asked Clove.

"Yeah, he's serious," Clove said. "They're getting hitched."

Haymitch stood at the front of the class chugging whiskey. "Alright class. Time to get started. As you know this is Defense Against the Dark Arts. That means it's the cool class. As many of you know, the best way to get away from the bad things is to time travel."

Hermione raised her hand. "Sir, isn't that terribly irresponsible?"

"Why don't you ask Katniss here? She's from the future," Haymitch said. "So are Finnick, Annie, Clove, Cato, Marvel, Foxface, Thresh, Glimmer, and... Peeta. That's the one I always forget."

"I bathed you once," Peeta said. "How did you forget me?"

"Gross," Cato said. "Why the hell would you do that?"

"He was drunk and covered in vomit and Peeta is a suck up," Katniss said. "Yes, we're from the future. The year 2213. It's a terrible time where everyone's starving and children are forced to kill each other."

"Bad ass!" Draco said.

"Yes, Draco. It is in fact bad ass," Haymitch said. "But actually getting killed isn't so great so I transported all of you here where you're safe. And do you know how I did that?”

Hermione raised her hand.

"Not you, Granger."

Cat raised her hand. “Magic!”

“Exactly!” Haymitch said, slamming his hand down on his desk. “Five points to Hufflepuff!”

“Yay,” Cat said,

“But sir,” I said. “She didn't explain at all how it was done. She literally just said magic. Everything we do in this school is magic.”

“You know what would be magic?” Sam asked. “If you shut your face.”

“Sir that has to been ten points from Ravenclaw,” I said.

“Ten points,” Haymitch said loudly. Everyone waiting expectantly. “To Slytherin, for being the most attractive group in the class.”

Draco leaned over and gave Beck a high five. I elbowed Malfoy in the ribs. “Sir,” Draco said. “Potter is being abusive again.”

“Again?” I asked, incredulously. “I elbowed you. I think you could handle it.”

“A thousand points from Gryffindor,” Haymitch said. “Because abuse, ladies and gentlemen, is bad.”

“I didn't...” I started to say.

“Five points from Gryffindor for sass!” Haymitch said. Draco gave me a wink.

“I'm going to kill you,” I said to Malfoy.

“Potter! Death threats to your significant other is a very serious offence. Ten thousand points from Gryffindor.”

“I was joking!” I said.

“Were you, Harry?” Draco asked. “Were you really?”

“The way to travel through time is using a time turner!” Haymitch said. “Any questions?”

“Now's when Tori asks 'What's a time turner?'” Jade said.

“I wasn't going to say that!” Tori said. She turned over to Finnick who was sitting beside her. “What is it?” she whispered at him. Finnick just shrugged.

“Today we will be going to the future in order to rescue Katniss's sister. And also her hot cousin,” Haymitch said.

“I don't have a cousin,” Katniss said.

“The Hawthorne boy,” Haymitch said. “People have been calling him your cousin.”

"Anyway. We do this by using a time turner. Everyone come to the front of the class and hold hands."

Draco grabbed my hand before I had a chance to reject him.   Whatever.

"Do we really have to hold hands?" The other blonde Slytherin boy said.

"It's for science, Cato," Haymitch said.

Glimmer grabbed his hand and winked at him. Clove glared daggers at her and grabbed Cato's other hand.

Anyway eventually we were all holding hands, including Ron and Hermione both of them bright red and avoiding eye contact with each other.

"Now let's turn the time forward to 2213," Haymitch said.   He turned the time with one hand while he held Sam Puckett's hand in the other. He winked at her.

Then we were in a different time, or whatever.

"Wow, this place is a piece of shit," Jade said.

"Yeah, that's District 12 for you," Clove said.

"Alright, listen up," Haymitch said. "It's scavenger hunt time. We're looking for a smaller version of Katniss and the hottest person in District 12.   So you guys get on that while I find something to drink."

"I found the hottest person in District 12," Peeta said.   "She's right here." He smiled at Katniss.

"Don't you think you're trying a little too hard?" I asked.

"Don't you think your mother is trying a little too hard?" Draco asked.

"You know my mother is dead!" I yelled and ran away looking for the hottest guy in District 12.   Maybe he would treat me better.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Points:
> 
> Gryffindor: -11,035  
> Hufflepuff: 15  
> Ravenclaw: 30,000  
> Slytherin: -990


	6. Chapter 6: Gale

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gale tries to round up all of the Defense Against the Dark Arts students and someone gets turned into a small animal.

Chapter 6: Gale

 

I was sitting in the woods minding my own business when this guy with glasses came up to me. Fucking rich kid.    I wished I could afford glasses.

 

"Excuse me, sir," the rich kid said. "Do you happen to be the hottest guy in District 12?"

 

"Yeah, so?" I asked. Why was it never the cool people who realized that?

 

"Professor Haymitch is looking for you," he said. "I'm Harry. Harry Potter. I'm kind of a big deal."

 

"No offense, but I kind of just want to be alone with my thoughts. My girlfriend Katniss went missing and I'm feeling a bit emotional," I said.

 

"Katniss is looking for you, too. But honestly you could do much better," Harry said. "She's kind of a bitch."

 

"You're an asshole," I said. "Where's Katniss?"

 

"Gale!" A voice yelled. It was most definitely Katniss.

 

"Catnip?" I called out.

 

"Aren't you two cousins?" Harry asked.

 

Katniss came running over. "Thank God. Gale we have to get going before they throw me back in the Hunger Games. Where's Prim?"

 

"Go where?" I asked. Katniss had never wanted to run away with me before.

 

"England, 2014," Harry said.

 

"Where did you find this guy?" I asked. This kid was mental. "And how the hell did you escape the Capitol?"

 

"Gale, I'm sick and tired of your shit. Are you coming or not?" Katniss asked.

 

"Alright, alright!" I said. "Don't hit me I'll behave."

 

"That's right, you'll behave," she said. "And you know why?"

 

"Because if I don't you're going to tell everyone I bottom to Peeta," I said.    We had had this conversation many times before.    Basically this was how she made me her bitch.    "That was like five times, you could really let it go."

 

"You bottomed to Peeta?" Harry asked. "That's got to mean I have a shot, right?"

 

"I don't fuck nerds," I said.

 

"No," Katniss agreed.    "You bottom to them."

 

"At least I know what sex is," I said.

 

"I know what sex is!" Katniss said.

 

"Oh, really," I said.    "Tell me exactly what being bottom entails."

 

"I don't have to tell you that!" Katniss said, her face bright red.

 

I whispered in Harry's ear.    "That's because she doesn't know."

 

Prim walked over.    "Katniss bottom means they are the one who takes the penis in their butt."

 

"Gross!"

 

"But you knew that right?" I said.

 

"Hey guys!" Peeta said running up and smiling like a dork.    "What are we talking about?"

 

"How small your dick is," I said.

 

"Oh..." he said, his smile faltering.

 

"Actually we were talking about where your small dick has been," Harry said.    "Props."    He held his hand out for a fist bump.

Peeta awkwardly high fived his fist.    "Thanks, I guess.    Although I mostly did it because Gale told me Katniss would think it was hot."

 

"Ew!" Katniss said.    "Why would I think that was hot?"

 

"You'll understand when you're older," Prim said.

 

"Weren't we supposed to leave before they throw you guys back into the Hunger Games?" I asked.

 

"Yes, as a matter of fact we were," Haymitch said, appearing out of thin air. "Now we're missing several members of the ragtag gang.    Some more important than others.    Draco, for instance being pretty important.    I'm also pretty fond of Cato and Sam Puckett."

 

"Cato as in the guy who volunteered to murder innocent children?" I asked.    I hated that guy. But also hot damn I would bottom to him in a heartbeat.

 

"I volunteered, too," Katniss pointed out.

 

"Yeah, well not because killing people is fun," I said.

 

"It's also pretty important we find Cat before she eats some Nightlock or something," Haymitch continued.    "We'll    wait here. Hawthorne, go find everyone."

 

"I don't even know who I'm looking for," I complained.

 

"Here is the extensive list;

 

             Cato, Glimmer, Clove, Marvel, Thresh, Foxface, Johanna Mason, Annie Cresta, and Finnick Odair.

             Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, Ronald and Ginny Weasley, Neville Longbottom, Luna Lovegood, and Cedric Diggory.

             Carly, Freddie, and Sam Puckett.

             Tori, Trina, Cat, Beck, Jade, Andre, and Robbie Shapiro."

 

“Okay, great, but I don't know who more than half of those people are,” I said.

 

“You're a wizard, Gale,” Haymitch said.   “You'll feel it.”

 

“Alright.”

 

So I went off looking for these people.   Basically, I was pretty sure we were all teenagers, so basically I just decided to ask whoever happened to look under the age of twenty, what their name was.

 

Then I realized.   Katniss, Peeta, and that Harry kid were all wearing the stupidest clothes I had ever seen.   So just look for the weirdos.

 

I found two of them, a redheaded boy and a girl who appeared to be bossing him around.   “Honestly, Ron.   We're never going to find Katniss's family if we don't stop snogging.”

“Ronald Weasley?” I asked.

 

“My name is Ron,” he said.

 

“We're going back to England or whatever before people die,” I explained.

 

“Great, now you're killing people by   _insisting_    that I snog you,” Hermione said.

 

“Or maybe you're killing people by wasting time being a bitch,” Ron said.

 

“Anyway, why don't you just go meet Haymitch and Katniss in the woods?” I asked.   I didn't want to deal with these two anymore.

 

Next I saw another redhead, this time a girl talking to this hot Latina girl and then this girl who looked like her uglier sister.   The redhead was saying, “Guys I can chug a whole carton of milk in under a minute.   Just trust me.”

 

“That will explode your insides,” the hot Latina girl said.

 

“Tori, don't be ridiculous,” her ugly sister said.   “It's easy.   Anyone can do it.”

 

“Have you done it?” Tori asked.

 

“All the time,” the sister said.

 

I was about to tell them the party was over, but I wanted to see the girl chug the milk.   Another fucking rich kid.   Any milk I had ever had came from Prim's goat.

“Chug, chug, chug!” The sisters yelled out.

 

The girl chugged the whole damn thing, none of it even spilling out of her mouth.   The three of us clapped.   “Alright.   Haymitch.   Woods.   Go.”   I said, pointing.

Then I saw a group of cool looking kids smoking.   Who the hell had money for cigarettes?   I recognized Marvel, Glimmer, Cato, Clove, and Johanna and there was some goth girl, a blonde boy, and this really attractive guy with olive skin.

 

Well, I had never been particularly cool in school, so I didn't know what to say to this group.   “Uh, hey guys.”

 

“What do you want?” Johanna said, spitting on the ground.

 

“I'm the most attractive dude in District 12 everyone is talking about,” I said casually.

 

“Yeah, the most attractive guy in District 12 is like being the most normal freak in the sideshow,” Clove pointed out.

 

“Well, he is pretty attractive,” Cato said.

 

“Thank you, Cato,” I said, triumphantly.

 

Clove started staring at my crotch.   “Hmm...   Fairly sizeable.   Nine out of ten, would bang.   What do you think, Cato?”

 

“I...” Cato said.

 

“That means you're a ten,” Clove said.

 

“Aw,” Glimmer said.   “You're so embarrassed, Cato.”

 

“I think he's a solid thirteen,” Marvel said.

 

“No one cares about you Marvel,” Glimmer said.

 

“That's horribly rude,” attractive guy said.   He turned to me.   “I'm Beck.   This is my girlfriend Jade, and my bro Draco Malfoy.”   He pointed to the goth girl then the blonde boy.

 

“He's my bitch,” Jade said, pointing at Beck.

 

“It's true,” Beck said.

 

“He's also my bitch,” Draco said.

 

“Slightly less true, but still true,” Beck agreed.

 

“Gale,” I said.   “Gale Hawthorne.   The sexiest guy in District 12.”

 

“I thought you were just the hottest guy in District 12,” Clove said.   “Are you promoting yourself to sexiest?”

 

“What's the difference?” I asked.

 

“Well, clearly you are not sexier than Haymitch,” Draco explained.   “You're hotter than Haymitch, but you are not sexier.   This is science.”

 

“Is this kid for real?” I asked.

 

“Sadly, yes,” Jade said.   “He doesn't have good taste.”

 

“Are you insulting Harry Potter?” Draco asked.

 

“What?” Jade asked.

 

“Are.   You.   Insulting.   Harry.   Potter,” Draco asked again.

 

“Yes, I am insulting the nerd with the glasses,” Jade said.   “And not just Robbie Shapiro.   Harry Potter, too.”

 

“To be honest, he's a bit of a twat,” I said.   I don't think Draco heard me though because he was too busy pulling a stick out of his pocket and pointing it at Jade.   He mumbled something and she turned into this gross little animal halfway between a mouse and a snake.   It actually looked pretty tasty, you know, if it wasn't cannibalism.

 

“You turned Jade into a ferret!” Beck yelled.   “She's going to   _kill_   you!”

 

“Aw, she's so cute!” Glimmer said, picking her up.

 

“She does look so innocent,” Beck agreed.   “Very unlike her.”

 

“Alright, alright, listen up,” I said.   “It's time to go back to England or whatever so go meet Haymitch in the woods.”

“What if I don't want to meet Haymitch in the woods?” Johanna said.

 

“You really want to go back into the Hunger Games and live in District 4?” I asked.   “How can England possibly be worse than that?”

 

“I just like killing people, okay?” Johanna said.

 

"Yeah, that's fantastic, Johanna, but we really have to get going.   And we need to find everyone else.   There's the Foxface girl, and Carly and Sam Puckett..." I tried to remember everyone else that Haymitch had listed, but it just wasn't coming to me.

 

"I'll help you find everyone," Cato said helpfully.

 

"Thank you Cato," I said.   I was starting to like this kid.

 

"Whatever," Clove said.   She was probably jealous or something.   "Do what you want.   I'm going to find Haymitch."

 

"The sexiest man in all of District 12 you mean, and also England," Draco said.

 

"But he's not in England right now," Beck argued.

 

"But sometimes he is, right?" Draco asked.

 

"Yeah, sometimes Johnny Depp is in England, but he isn't the sexiest guy in England," Beck said.   He was carrying ferret Jade now.

 

"That's because Haymitch is the sexiest man in all of England," Draco said confidently.

 

"Really.   Haymitch."   I said in disbelief.

 

"What the hell is a Johnny Depp?" Cato asked.

 

"I bet he isn't sexy either," I said.

 

Clove dragged Glimmer and Marvel by the wrists and lead them presumably back to Haymitch.   Johanna followed.   That left, Draco, Cato, Beck, Ferret Jade, and me.   I found it a little odd that Beck was taking the fact that his girlfriend was now a rodent in stride.   Maybe he was into that sort of thing though.

 

"I'm not going to argue with you on this," Beck told Draco.

 

"Who are we missing?" I asked.   "Katniss, Prim, Peeta, Tori, Trina, Ginny, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Clove, Marvel, Glimmer and Johanna are back at camp.   Plus the four of us.”

 

"Excuse you," Beck said.   "Five of us."

 

"Are you just going to keep her as a ferret forever?" Cato asked.

 

"Until she learned her lesson," Draco said.

 

"Which is exactly?" Cato asked.

 

"That you don't talk smack about my hubby," Draco said.

 

"Technically he's just your fiancee," Beck pointed out.

 

"Fiancee is just a fancy word for married in our hearts," Draco said.

 

"I want to make sure everyone knows that if Jade was human she would be pretending to barf right now," Beck said.   "Oh, wait.   I think she is still doing it in ferret form."

I looked at the little rat snake and it was in fact pretending to barf.

 

"You're married to Richie Rich?" I asked Draco.

 

"Yes, I am," Draco said.   "I'm glad you asked.   Harry is the hottest dude in England, but not the sexiest."

 

"I fail to see the difference," Cato said.

 

"Crazy British people, am I right?" I asked Cato.   He nodded.   "Now seriously.   Who are we missing?"

 

"Well, let's break it down by house," Cato suggested.   "We found all the Slytherins.   Gryffindor we still need Finnick, Carly, and Neville."

 

"Alright," I said.   I knew who Finnick was from the broadcasts.   "What exactly is a Gryffindor?"

 

"It's like what team you are at school," Beck explained.   "There's four teams."

 

"Ravenclaw, we need Gemma, Luna, Sam, Andre, and Freddie," Cato continued.   "And that leaves the Hufflepuffs."

 

"The Hufflepuffs," I said.   "The pot smokers.   We can't afford pot where I come from."

 

"To be honest pot smoking is more of a Slytherin thing," Draco said.

 

"THE HUFFLEPUFFS!" Cato yelled.   "We need Cedric, Annie, Thresh, and Cat."

 

"Whoa, calm down, sexy," Draco said.

 

"Cato, you need to calm down," I said.

 

"Yeah, Cato," Beck said.   "Calm down."   Ferret Jade made a meeping noise.

 

Cato sat down on the ground.   "I cannot calm down.   This school is fucking mental.   There are far too many loud people."

 

"I didn't take you for the type from what I saw on TV," I said.

 

"What type?" Cato asked.

 

"The type to be overwhelmed so easily," I said.

 

"Easily?" Cato said.   "I've spent like a day with all these people who refuse to shut the hell up!"

 

I sat down next to him and grabbed his shoulders.   "Calm the fuck down."

 

"Shut the fuck up," Cato said.   "We need to go look for everyone else and go back to school, before I'm forced to kill all of you for the Capitol's amusement."

 

"Honey, I think I would be the one killing you," I said.

 

"I'd like to see you try," Cato said.

 

"Yeah, Hawthorne," Draco said.   "Let's see you mess up his pretty face."

 

"Nobody's fighting!" Beck said.   "Finnick, Carly, Neville, Luna, Gemma, Sam, Freddie, Andre, Cat, Cedric, Annie, and Thresh are all missing.   And I get the feeling this District 12 place is a little on the sketchy side, so maybe we ought to get going."

 

"Ought?" Draco said.   "What are you 84?"

 

"I'm a rational adult if that's what you mean," Beck said.

 

"Yeah, real rational," Cato said.   "Come on.   Let's go look for everybody.”

 

I followed behind him even though it probably looked like I was backing down and admitting he could murder me.   "So I know Gemma, Annie, Thresh, and Finnick," I said.   "I don't know anybody else."

 

"Everyone else is from England," Cato said.   "Witches and wizards.   To be honest I'm pretty sure none of us from Panem can do any magic, but Haymitch decided it would be a good idea to take us to a school of Witchcraft and Wizardry."

 

"CATO!" a voice yelled.   I looked over and it was a blonde girl in one of those robe things standing with a brunette.

 

The brunette said, "Oh, my God, Sam! Shut up!"

 

Cato walked over.   "Yeah?" he asked.

 

"Carly wants to ask you something," Sam said, a wicked grin on her face.

 

Cato stood there waiting impatiently.   "I umm..." Carly said.   "Just wondered what cologne you use."

 

"I don't use cologne," Cato said.   "I smell like sweat."

 

"Well, it uh, smells good," Carly said.

 

"Smooth," Sam said.

 

"Well, that's great, but we have to go find Haymitch in the woods and get back to Hogwarts," Cato said.

 

"Hogwarts?" I asked.

 

"Yeah," Sam, Cato, and Carly said simultaneously.

 

"It's seriously called Hogwarts?" I asked.   "That's the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard."

 

"Your face is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever heard!" Carly said.

 

"Defensive, much?" Beck asked.

 

"THE PEOPLE WHO ARE LEFT ARE," Cato said, starting to yell again.   "Freddie, Gemma, Annie, Thresh, Finnick, Cat, Cedric, and Neville."

 

"And Luna and Andre," Beck pointed out.   "And Robbie Shapiro."

 

"Well there's like fifty characters in this fucking story, how am I supposed to remember all of them?" Cato asked angrily.

 

"What story?" I asked.

 

"Figure of speech," Cato said.

 

"Right," I said.

 

"We have to go remember," Draco said.   "Apparently it's a real hurry because we're in Poland in 1944."

 

"What the hell does that mean?" I asked.

 

"Jesus, you guys need to brush up on your world history," Draco said.

 

So we wandered around town looking for teenagers.   Three I didn't recognize but were wearing the stupid wizarding clothes were hanging around by the hob.

 

"Cat likes me more," the boy with glasses said.

 

"It's true," Cat said.

 

"Cat, I thought we had something special," the other boy said.

 

"Freddie, not now," Cat said.   "Robbie got cool since we started smoking pot."

 

"You're the Hufflepuffs, then," I guessed.

 

"I'm a Ravenclaw, thank you very much," Freddie said.

 

"Ravenclaw is code word for boring," Draco said.   He held up his hand for a high five, which Beck promptly gave him, with the hand that was not holding Ferret Jade.

 

"It's actually code word for the smartest house in the school," Freddie said sassily.

 

"Lamest," Robbie said.

 

"You're a fucking Hufflepuff," Draco said.   "How does that make you cool?"

 

"You haven't seen him naked," Cat said loudly.

 

"Actually..." Robbie said.   Draco smirked triumphantly.

 

"Well, this is great and everything but we can chat about who's seen who naked when we're back to safety," Cato said.

 

"You're so boring you should be in Ravenclaw," Draco said.

 

"What's team are you, Draco?" I asked.

 

"It's called a house," Draco said.   "And Slytherin.   Where all the cool kids are.   And Cato but he got by purely on looks."

 

"Harry Potter should be Slytherin then if he's so cool," I said, trying to get Draco mad.

 

"He's not cool, he's hot," Draco said.   "Those things are total opposites."

 

"Sam told me they aren't," Cat said.

 

"Alright, so you're cool and not hot," I asked Draco.

 

"Exactly!" Draco said.   "I'm sexy and cool.   No room for hot.   That's for people who get flustered."

 

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said.

 

"EVERYONE PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY TO THE WOODS!" Cato yelled.

 

"What are you a counsellor at summer camp?" Draco asked.

 

"Leave him alone, he's had a big day," I said.

 

"Shut the fuck up, Gale," Cato said.

 

"Alright, Cat come on.   We're going to the woods.   It's not safe here," Freddie said.

 

"I want to go with Robbie," Cat whined.

 

"Robbie's coming, too, alright?" Freddie said.   Robbie scowled at him, but walked with them.

 

"Draco it would be really great if you went with them," Cato said.

 

"I'm helping," Draco said.   "Right, Beck?"

 

"He's helping," Beck said.

 

"Yeah, he's really helping," I said.   "Who's left, Cato?"

 

"Thresh, Annie, Finnick, Foxface, and..." Cato frowned.   "Luna, Andre, Cedric, and Neville."

 

"Jesus fuck there are a lot of kids at your school," I said.

 

"And they're all mental," Cato said.

 

"Hey, did you know that Katniss didn't know what sex was until today?" I asked, trying to get in good with him.

 

"That's bullshit," Cato said.

 

"I bottom you know," I said.

 

"Good for you," Cato said.

 

"Hmm... what do we have here?   A budding romance?" Draco asked.

 

"Not if he was the last person on Earth,” Cato said.

 

“Well, if I was the last person on Earth you wouldn't be here, would you?” I asked.   “It would be just me.   This is why you're not in Ravenclaw, Cato.”

He turned beat red.

 

“We were looking for Luna and Andre, weren't we?” Beck said, changing the topic.

 

“Here we are,” Luna said, walking over.   She had big pink sunglasses on and looked like she was definitely huffing the puff.   She was holding a guy's hand. Presumably Andre.

 

“Great,” I said.   “We've almost got everybody,” I said.

 

“It really would have made more sense to make some sort of plan to meet back in twenty minutes or something,” Cato said.

 

“Yeah, but that would have been too easy,” Draco said.   “I like the challenge.”

 

“Me, too,” I said, staring Cato down.

 

“I give it a day before, BANG!” Draco said.

 

“What does that even mean?” I asked.

 

“BANG!   You bang,” Draco said, motioning at me and Cato.

 

“I'd rather have sex with Ferret Jade,” Cato said.

 

Beck covered Ferret Jade's ears.   “Shh.... she can still hear you.”

 

“Let's go back to the woods,” I suggested.   “Maybe everyone's already there.”

 

So we did.   And they were.   Then we went to Hogwarts or whatever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Points:
> 
> Gryffindor: -11,035  
> Hufflepuff: 15  
> Ravenclaw: 30,000  
> Slytherin: -990


	7. Chapter 7: Ferret Jade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haymitch announces that it's a special week at Hogwarts.

**Chapter 7: Ferret Jade**

**The worst part of being a ferret was that I was as short as fuck.   And also Beck could carry me around.   I was supposed to be the one carrying him around.   I kept trying to squiggle out of Beck's hand so I could bite Draco, but he wouldn't let me.   So I just bit him instead.**

**We all met Haymitch in the woods.   All five thousand of us.   He didn't seem to realize that I was a ferret.   Either that or he didn't care.**

“ **Alright, let's go Back to the Past,” Haymitch said.** “ **Doesn't have the same ring as Back to the Future.”**

“ **That movie was awful,” I tried to say, but it came out as little squeaking noises.**

“ **She's so cute!” Glimmer said, petting my head.   I viciously bit her until I could taste her blood.   “Ouch!”**

**Next thing we knew we were back at Hogwarts.**

“ **Does anyone have any questions?” Haymitch asked.**

**Hermione raised her hand.   “I have a question.   What was the purpose of this class?”**

“ **To rescue the hottest dude in District 12, and Katniss's little sister,” Haymitch said.   “Isn't she as cute as a button?”**

“ **I suppose,” Hermione said.**

“ **Now, everyone there's something very important going on at school this week,” Haymitch said.  “Anyone care to guess what it is?”**

“ **The week we learned to smoke pot!” Cat said, raising her hand but not waiting until he called on her.**

“ **The week someone finally tells Cato to shower?” I asked.  Of course it came out as squeaks.**

“ **Even better,” Haymitch said.  “I'm not allowed to say this, so this is entirely off the record but...”**

**Hmm, maybe this was about to get interesting.**

“ **It's Sexret Santa Week!” Haymitch said, a huge smile on his face.**

“ **Now when Tori asks what Sexret Santa Week is,” I squeaked.**

“ **What's Sexret Santa Week?” Tori asked.**

“ **I'm glad you asked, Tori!” Haymitch said.  “It's when you send secret sexy messages to the object of your desires.”**

“ **Sir, you can't treat people as objects,” Hermione said.**

“ **Ten points from Gryffindor for being boring!” Haymitch yelled.  “Now everyone write your Sexret Santa notes and give them to me.  I will distribute them by the end of the day.”**

**Marvel raised his hand.  “Do we have to send a note to someone?”**

“ **Yes, you do,” Haymitch said.  “It can be teacher or student but it has to be anonymously.”**

**Beck raised his hand.  “But sir, the object of my desires is a ferret.”**

“ **Well, that's a new one,” Haymitch said.**

“ **No, sir,” Beck said.  “Draco turned Jade into a ferret.”**

“ **Really,” Haymitch said.  He came over and examined me.**

“ **Excellent work Draco.  A hundred points to Slytherin.”**

“ **For turning a student into an animal?” Carly asked.**

“ **Yes, Carly.  And that'll be fifteen points from Gryffindor for sass,” Haymitch said, before turning me back into a human.  Of course I had lost my clothes in 2213, so I was fully naked.**

“ **There,” Haymitch said.  “She's much more desirable now.”**

**Tori looked away quickly.  “What's the matter?” I asked.  “Never seen tits before?”**

“ **Now that everyone is human, lets all get our sexret notes in,” Haymitch said.**

“ **You're making one, too?” Katniss asked, thoroughly unimpressed.**

“ **I like to think I have team spirit,” Haymitch said.**

**I got out a quill and parchment and wondered who to write a note to.  It would be boring to send Beck a note because we already had sex all the time.  So who would I send the note to?**

**I wrote down: _Dear Robbie, u r so hawt._  The loser would probably believe someone thought he was hot.**

**I passed my note to Haymitch. "Class dismissed."**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Points:
> 
> Gryffindor: -11,045  
> Hufflepuff: 15  
> Ravenclaw: 30,000  
> Slytherin: -890

**Author's Note:**

> This is a novel I'm writing for Camp NaNoWriMo April 2014, so I hope to update frequently. I hope someone reads this, but I'm not really expecting anyone to, because it's kinda aimed at a very specific target market.


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